I was like a voodoo doll punctured million times and left myriad, vulnerable, unaided and strayed away from the existence.

Sana sinabi niya na lang sa ‘kin na kailangan niya ng laruan to fool around, para naman naiiwas ko yung sarili ko sa ganitong klaseng KALOKOHAN. Everything she did to me is just so unjustifiable, it was just so unethical and it almost (or should I say) already shattered me into ashes. The entire scenario altered my whole life even my self-esteem and most of all my trust and respect to her.

My dreams, my plans, my hopes, she deserted it all! She’s nothing but a ruthless human existence who does not know the difference between the professional attribute contrasts to her child-like viewpoint. Napakaraming beses niya na kong pinagmukang TANGA! Pero nilunok ko lang yun ng dahan-dahan. Besides, it was for my own good. Well I thought it was. But I was such a dupe believing all of her not-worth-a-trust words.

For almost a month I was demoralized and confounded. Without a concrete answer what would I do to fix everything out and to recuperate myself. Dahil lang ba sa isang maliit na pagpapabaya eh katumbas ng buong buhay ko? (yes, I was just turning so hyperbolic because of her..)

Ginawa ko naman lahat ng inutos niya na gagawin ko, lahat ng ‘walang katuturan pala niyang’ directions sa ‘kin. I even spent my free day and free time para puntahan siya at gumastos para lang sa wala. Magpakapagod para lang magmukang tanga sa ibang taong lagi na lang akong nakikita para tanungan sila, at hanapan ng taong ayaw at wala namang planong magpakita.

It was just so late to realize everything. And too late to fix the mistakes, the damage has already done. Their so called adjustment period ended at this very moment.

The truth is I really don’t want to blog anything about her. It just kills me every time I reminisce the word; those unreliable words that hoodwink like me never grasped what kind of result would give me upon believing. Ayoko na rin kasing magkaron pa ng kasalanan, dahil alam kong only my emotions would resemble the blog entry, those heart-bursting emotions. Actually, even though how stiff I am trying to think for certain silver linings to her acts, WALA TALAGA AKONG MAISIP. There’s no fine explanation and better angle to this I-wanna-end story.

Ngayong tapos na ang lahat, I come up to an insight na ituloy whatever else is in store for me. It’s all a matter of working with what’s thrust my way. It’s already done and no single time could be turn back again. And another thing, I’ll never be a loser just because of this circumstance.

I might be broken and blown away today, but prepare for my comeback.

i really wanted to back-out the day before it would happen.. im not prepared. and my mind wasn’t programmed yet. i had a lot of things to dwell with. so many things to think about.

i had memorized the piece for about 5 hours yesterday, and at that moment, im still at the midst of hesitation. i should never engaged myself to that thing, so i would never encounter so much dilemma and frustration.

but there’s no way out…

and i must face it. i know..

before i slept last night, i prayed to Him. just give me strength and don’t allow me to be humiliated in front of the judges and my classmates. i don’t want to give shame to my section..

just strength, and that’s all.. don’t mind of winning. my mind and my soul wasn’t equipped after all. and as i see, my competitors are good, maybe a miracle should happen to situate me in the pedestal, i guess.

kuya jessie was at surprised when i told him that i was able to memorize that 2-page piece. he was somehow relieved.

“thank you lord!”

that’s the first sentence i said when i took my seat after i delivered my piece. a big rock of anxiety was fin’lly removed at my chest. i was grateful.

but then, i lost.. its okay.. i just wanted to end this day without being mortified, even without a medal.

but then again, i made my very decision after that event. its not like ending a long cherished dream of mine. more like, i’m finally putting a closure to a career where i never had to much luck.  even before then.

maybe its a capitulate on my part. but i guess, its the best thing that i should do. to lay down my arms and never fight again.

today is the last day of my public speaking career.

i won’t pursue to join in such thing like that.

and i’m extending my deepest apology to my mentors way back in highschool.

 it was never my thing.

at this moment, im dwelling with my dilemma. i participated in a public speaking contest in our college, the thing i mentioned days ago. i had memorized my chosen piece and attended with some guts and some hesitation at the venue.

before the competition began, participants were slowly gathered and nervousness filled me at my very seat, i’m actually asking myself that time why i went there(and i realized, the thing they call “palabra de honor”) i went there not to satisfy my thirst for some competition, but only because i said so.

i’m at shock when i found out that the organizers of the said contest gave the piece to memorize, for some uniformity i guess. they told me if i can write my piece, which was actually i don’t want to do.

i was the second performer and i finished my piece with confidence, i haven’t missed any part and i know i delivered it the way my mentors way back in highschool told me so.

but after some good and powerful performance of my competitors, i doubt myself. some of them did a declamation and not an oration, but during the assessment of the final 7 i was at the spot number 5.

i should be thankful with what i achieved today, but after the deliberation, i became dubious. scared. and i almost felt some nervous break. (exaggerated huh?)

i cannot remember when was the last time i felt this kind of thing in me. now, the finals would be just 3 days from now. i’m at hesitation. what should i do?!

better end this entry, because kuya jv texted me to go back at the COC to get the original piece.

“do you think i can memorize that in just 3 days?”

i do hope so.

my org pals positioned a table, chair, papers and some posters at the coc lobby. looks like a registration booth. another audition for new members?!

but it was not what i thought. yeh, it was a regi booth but not for hiring some new members, but for a certain kind of contest they were spearheading. 

oratorical speaking

extemporaneous/impromptu speaking

prepared speech

debate

whoa! i never wondered myself in that kind of contest once again after highschool. i just don’t want though. maybe because i never had to much luck in those kind of competition. it isn’t my thing, i guess..

but my classmate told me to join, i was a hesitant. of course. but after i heard her say: “minsan lang ako humingi ng favor..” and i’ll be joining to represent our section against Broadcast Communication students who generally practice this field. i realized,

“why not?!”

after all, i don’t need to show up there with grouchy looks at my competitors and have some over-flowing determination to beat them out. all i need is a bag of guts with me. and have fun.

let’s get it on!

i only have few minutes before a logged out on the internet when i decided to enter some new posts. shocked of what i saw…

“bat biglang naging tagalog yung ibang mga tabs sa site na to?!”

weird huh? maybe its providers decided to branch-out or whatsoever. i don’t think it makes sense..

darn! im extending my time allotment once again.. it was always been my problem. hmp! gotta go!

Noong July 18 yun, Sabado ng gabi, magka-text tayo.. Tapos i texted something na ‘di ko maintindihan kung bakit parang masyado kang affected at nagulat ako sa reaction mo..

Aaminin ko sayo, naasar talaga ako dun sa pagka-over ng reaksyon mo, kaya i texted you na hindi na ko muli pang magtetext sayo kung naasar ka lang ‘pag katext mo ‘ko.. At yun nga ang ginawa ko, at patuloy kong pinaninindigan hanggang ngayon..

Kaso…

Kaso..

Kaso, feeling ko ngayon, nagi-guilty na ‘ko sa mga ginawa ko sayo.. Di ba nga BESTFRIENDS  tayo.. Kaw kasi, sorry ka ng sorry. Kita mo namang ang dali ko lang madala sa mga paganyan-ganyan. Pinipilit ko lang naman na magmatigas eh.. Kaso ang hirap, ‘di kasi ako ganun..

Ngayon, wala pa rin akong lakas ng loob na mag-text sayo to say SORRY sa lahat-lahat.. Now im taking this oppurtunity to say..

I’M VERY VERY SORRY PO.. DI KO SINASADYA.. SANA WE CAN BE BESTFRIENDS AGAIN..

Dahil Wednesday ngayon at ayon sa aking pinakamamahal na sked, eh wala akong pasok. Kaya naman nagbantay ako sa aming tindahan (hulaan niyo na lang kung maluwag ba yun sa kalooban ko.. haha..)

Going back to the story, mga bandang 8pm na yun, at pauwi na rin ako sa bahay nang may dalawang Nursing student ang bumili..

“ATE, pabili nga ng *blah! blah! blah!*…

Ewan ko ba kung ano yung mga pinagsasabi nun! Basta ang nag-register lang sa utak ko eh yung word na ATE.. Grrr…

Obviously, she looks older than I. Aside from that, she’s already wearing their uniform na ayon sa aking nalalaman ay for 3rd year College student na. Yah! 3rd year College! na ang age ay nag-rerange from 18-19 y/o… Tapos, how dare of her na tawagin akong ATE as an introduction sa lahat ng sentences na naririnig ko from her **effing** mouth.. 

Syempre, maari ba naman akong magpatalo?!

Tinatawag ko rin siyang ATE with matching masamang tingin just to intimidate her.. I know nagtagumpay ako na ma-intimidate siya. HAHAHA!

Sa aming last conversation:

“eto na yung sukli mo ATE..!”

Kinuha na niya yung sukli niya and turned back.. Nang may marinig pa ko sa kanya..

“sigeeee ATE!”

Whaat!!! Bumira pa siya..

Feeling ko tuloy, ako pa yung natalo sa aming pagtutuos ng mga oras na iyon. Hindi na kasi ako nakabawi pa. And that thing made me feel so intimidated..

Well.. I know for a fact na kapag nasa ganon kang uri ng business, natural na tawagin kang ATE/KUYA or even worst MANANG/MANONG ng mga taong older than you na sadyang matigas ang mukha..

Tamaan.. Sapul!

Ang nakakainis lang, eh parang feeling ko.. I look older for my age.. Haayy.. Hate it!

Humanda ka sa ‘kin Nursing Student! MAGTUTUOS PA TAYO!

Hahaha!

Joke lang.. ‘Di naman akong masyadong bitter nyan..

Slyt lang..